Sequels Stink

In a conversation about movies CRAIG is joined by Sweetie Guy Hutchinson of bunchojunk.com.

Sweetie: You know, I love movies. I really do! There are few joys in life that can match the feeling of sitting in a movie theater seeing a quality film. Still, there are some things I could do without.

For example, why does EVERY film seem to have at least one scene that takes place in a men’s bathroom? There are always a couple of characters having long winded conversations at the urinal with sound effects and occasional strained facial expressions. I don't even wanna discuss the times we see actors SITTING down in the bathroom. ICK! This isn't just in comedies either. In the past few years ACADEMY AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCES have been given to actors for using the potty. ENOUGH!!!

I know, we all use the bathroom. We all cut our toe nails and pick our noses sometimes too. I don't see Tom Hanks do THAT in every other movie, either.

CRAIG: "Long WINDED conversations." Love it. I pretty much agree with you, but I should add that there are several memorable bathroom scenes that I've instantly thought of. There is a great scene in Robocop where the corporate punks are talking smack about Dick Jones while at the urinal unaware that he is in one of the stalls doing the deuce. I found Tom Arnold's cameo in the first Austin Powers flick to be very funny, and Alec Baldwin's touchy-feely character in Along Came Polly was one of the highlights of that otherwise forgettable movie.

Didn't The Terminal feature Tom Hanks' character grooming himself in one of JFK's public bathrooms? And since I mentioned it, what were Hanks and Spielberg thinking when they made that movie? It seems way beyond what either one of them should find interesting. Nothing frustrates me more than when a filmmaker I really enjoy makes a film that really lets me down.

Sweetie: Sure, I know that there are memorable bathroom scenes, but I am talking about the overwhelming amount. It’s the quantity that bothers me, not the specifics. Thinking back to the last few movies I watched (in theaters and on video): The Man, The Island, Jersey Girl and Dunston Checks In all had bathroom scenes. I bet if you look for it, you will find that two-thirds of the movies you watch have 'em.

On to a much more pleasant conversation, I actually LIKED The Terminal.
I like any movie that features someone with a goofy accent.
However, it (sort of) suffered from one of the things that bother me the most in movies: films that have no ending.
The Terminal had enough of an ending to satisfy me, but I have seen a handful of flicks that have NO CONCIEVABLE ENDING.

I recently saw Broken Flowers and here is a SPOILER for ya, NO ONE CAN SPOIL THE END OF IT. It just doesn't have one. Great movie, but are they going to make a Broken Flowers 2 so I can get some closure?

Let me ask you a question, what is the worst film you remember watching? But, don't say something like Plan 9 From Outer Space. I mean a movie that was supposed to be good and disappointed you.

CRAIG: I love Plan 9! Actually it seems that I end up hating most of the movies that win the Oscar for Best Picture. I really, really disliked last year's Million Dollar Baby. Now I understand your point about movies with no endings, but Million Dollar Baby just seemed pointless to me. What's worse? An ending that doesn't satisfy or explain itself, or one that just really makes you angry? I remember initially really disliking The Sixth Sense because I felt like M. Night really manipulated me (and also because I couldn't properly pronounce his last name). Of course the movie holds up after repeat viewings, but my initial reaction was not good. I also think that The Sixth Sense brought about this trend in Hollywood that I hate: Calling horror films suspense films or thrillers as a way to validate them. I had an argument with someone the other day about whether or not The Silence of the Lambs is a horror movie. Of course it is!

Sweetie: Wow. I agree 100%. Perhaps I should just go play golf and you can wrap this whole thing up.

I was irritated by Million Dollar Baby, too. Plus, I thought that The Sixth Sense started another trend that, thankfully, seems to have died down. But, for a few years every freakin' film had some wacky surprise ending. The less sense it made, the better.

As for horror, it is amazing how many people feel the need to justify going to a horror movie. I prefer to classify my horror films as such:
Silence of the Lambs=horror film
A Nightmare on Elm Street=shasher film
By the way, I prefer the slasher film.

Speaking of death and destruction, let me tell you the worst film I have ever seen: The March of the Penguins. I am sure just WRITING that enraged people, but I absolutely hated this film.

I went into it with a little trepidation, because I am not a huge documentary fan and frankly, I hate nature.

But, Nickelodeon kept running cute promos with waddling baby penguins and friends kept telling me how "amazing" the penguins were so I bought a ticket.

Let me sum up the film as quickly as possible. For 90 minutes we watch penguins die. We see babies freeze to death. We watch penguins starve and get attacked by predators. Long, lingering close ups of dead baby penguins.

Plus, the film tries as hard as possible to make you feel some sense of awe and wonder because of what penguins do. THEY DO WHAT THEY WERE PUT ON EARTH TO DO!

They live in cold weather because they are FREAKIN' PENGIUNS. I am no more amazed at their ability to be penguins as I am of a dog's ability to have a tail or a fish's ability to smell rotten after being left on a counter.

CRAIG: Ughhhh. Nothing is worse than the twist ending that defies logic. Wild Things had one of the most absurd twists ever. People who had private conversations with each other in the movie about being skeptical of each other turn out to be in cahoots the whole time. It also featured Kevin Bacon in a nude scene where he showed his bits. That bit of nudity among other things secured that flick an R rating, and that is another thing that has really bugged me lately. A horror film or seemingly adult-themed film comes out and is rated PG-13. Now I understand that studios want as many people to see their films as possible and R ratings make that hard, but don't release an Unrated cut when it ends up on DVD. This just seems like another way to sucker consumers into buying multiple versions of a movie on DVD. As much as I love DVD I think it has held directors back from fighting for content that they want. Why fight if you are promised your preferred cut on DVD?

Sweetie: I hate when the cast of a film breaks into song (like in Armageddon.) I also hate ANY movie with the word "American" in the title. I hate movies that star Will Smith and I hate when they make characters overtly religious to justify them being villains.

I also can't stand when a character is "good" for the whole film and then makes a racist or sexist joke in the third act to set up their eventual doom. I have seen movies where someone says "women belong in the kitchen" and in the next scene he's trampled by a herd of caribou. I know prejudice is wrong, but shouldn't the justice be a little more in line with the crime?

I also hate when YOU use foul descriptive terms like "doing the deuce" and "showed his bits." Don't you realize the bunchojunk.com target audience is eleven year olds? Stop writing things that will warp their little minds!

CRAIG: Someone has to corrupt the young minds, no? My biggest peeves lately have been these horror films with the female lead played by a big star. It seems to me like this is yet another attempt to validate these pictures. The best horror flick I saw this year was House of Wax and I'm sure I liked it just a bit more than I should have because its biggest star was Paris Hilton. In the past months we've had Dark Water (Jennifer Connelly) and The Skeleton Key (Kate Hudson). Now I wish I could tell you if these movies were good, but after seeing the trailers for both of these movies back to back before every movie I saw for the period of 3 months made me NOT want to see them. Another trailer that I've been seeing for months is Flight Plan with Jodie Foster, and the concept behind this film seems to be one that Hollywood loves and I for the most part hate: The seemingly sane person who everyone else thinks is crazy. Man, are these movies frustrating. I think maybe the only film that really pulled this off quite well was 12 Monkeys. I suddenly have the strange desire to break into song. Care to join me, Sweetie?

Sweetie: Maybe later.

The "everyone thinks the main character is crazy" plot is very popular. I think that was the plot of The Jacket as well.

I didn't see The Skeleton Key or Dark Water because I had a strange feeling that I had already seen these films. Also, Dark Water seemed to be a horror film about leaky pipes. I would rather see a horror film about an overdue mortgage.

You know what I found silly? The Santa Clause. During the whole movie everyone thinks Tim Allen is a fool because "there is no Santa Claus." Then at the end they all realize there always has been a Santa Claus. Huh?

There are only two possible ways to portray the story of Santa Claus in a movie:
A) He is real and everyone believes
or
B) He is fake

How can you do a little of both? If you lived in a world where Santa EXISTED you would know it because of the presents that APPEAR under the tree on the 25th of December. Plus, I am sure they would cover him all the time on "Access Hollywood."

You would have no other choice than to believe. Otherwise it would be like not believing in "Ringo" or "Gene Hackman."

CRAIG: I know that we are supposed to be hating here, but I loved the title The Santa Clause. Get it? The Santa CLAUSE. Man that still cracks me up. As in there was a clause in the contract that forces him to be Santa. Biggest joke in the movie if you ask me. The elves being little kids creeped me out a little bit though. The only thing that I find creepier is the thought of not believing in Ringo or Gene Hackman. Actually, I think that might be the concept for a great movie: Hackman wakes up one morning and no one believes him. Not even Ringo.

Sweetie: When The Santa Clause was released my local theater called it "Santa Claus" on their phone machine. I was hoping it was the Dudley Moore movie.

Speaking of titles, one of the theaters I go to has a digital board that lists the show times. Unfortunately it only lists a few letters so I have found it difficult to decipher what they are showing. The other day the board read:
March of
Just Like
The Thing
THE THING?!?!?!?!?!?
At first I was excited because I thought it was a revival of the John Carpenter film, but then I found out it was a Paul Reiser film called The Thing About my Folks. I bet the 'thing' is that they are ashamed to tell people that he's their son.

CRAIG: Paul Reiser has a new movie out? Man, they'll give anyone a movie nowadays. Seriously, Reiser gets to make a movie but talents like Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious can't get arrested. Now I'm really getting angry. You know what calms me down when I am angry though? Saying Steve Guttenberg. Ah, I feel better already. Come on say it, with me...

Sweetie: Guttenberg! That's a German swear word, isn't it? You're going to offend my eleven year old German readers.

CRAIG: Germans? You mean you have more than 1 eleven year old German reader? If I had know you had this much exposer I would have dressed nicer or at least combed my hair.