'Ello Govnuh

Earlier this month, New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy announced that he was resigning. He claimed that this action would protect the gubernatorial office from "rumors, false allegations and threats of disclosure." In order to ensure a seamless transition (and to avoid the possibility of a special election), McGreevy said that he would leave office on November 15th and that Senate President Richard Codey would finish out his term.

Some republicans have demanded that the governor step down immediately, which would allow for a special election to be held. Some of the popular candidates are Senator John Corzine, former Jersey City Mayor Bret Schundler (who lost to McGreevy in 2001) and actor Joe Piscopo. As a concerned New Jersey citizen, I can not sit back and let all of this unfold without getting involved. With the threat of Joe Piscopo becoming our governor, drastic measures must be taken.

As of today, I would like to announce my candidacy for the governor of the state of New Jersey. And before I get a barrage of e-mails and phone calls demanding to know what my platform is, I will share it with you here in "Always the Last in Line."

If elected, I will lower property taxes, fight for lower car insurance rates, make sure every New Jersey resident has affordable health care coverage, and demand that Princeton get rid of all of its metered parking. I feel that these problems have plagued the state for too long and cannot go unchecked any longer (well at least the metered parking one).

The task before me is tough, people. I expect my opponents to attack me with every tool at their disposal and am ready to stand up to any smear campaign that comes my way. Let Corzine use his millions of dollars to flood the media markets with lies and half-truths.* Let Schundler criticize me for not concentrating on the serious issues. Let Joe Piscopo drop the names of his "big" Hollywood friends.

I love the state of New Jersey and feel that with your support and a knowledgeable staff surrounding me, I, no we can make New Jersey the best state in the union.

_{* Before any rumors are spread, I will go on record and say that, yes, I have been unfaithful. For a brief period of time, I was misguided. I found my desire for quasi-Mexican food was fufilled at Baja Fresh. In retrospect, I regret this, but feel that Taco Bell did force my hand when they removed the Chili Cheese Burrito from their menu.}